My last remaining blood elder pass away several months ago. She was my moms only sister. My mom passed away about 10 year ago. While of course it's always sad for the survivors for a love one to transition, the person is in a better place in every regard. And as we stand on the nadir of our economic and possibly social and moral epoch, I feel certain that Aunt Clay is in a better place.
They often say that weddings and funerals bring out the worst in family members; for this reason as a rule I attend neither weddings or funerals. Of course when it's a close relative it's kind of hard to avoid. The rest of my family made its way to B'ham and are prepared for the pomp and circumstance of a funeral. My Aunt has requested a grave side service. I don't what this means, but anyway. I waited for the roads to clear up because there had been horrible storms here in Atlanta and neighboring Alabama.
My dislike of funerals is rooted in my childhood when it seems I attend so many funerals of people that were really important in my life. It would always leave a deep sadness within me. The process itself seemed morbid. Of course as a young child I lacked the vocabulary to articulate my dislike for the process. More importantly, as a child, nobody gave a damn about what you might be feeling. You just went along with the process and kept whatever it was you were feeling safely locked within your inner sanctum.
I don't attend weddings for somewhat different reasons but in some ways the same reasons. I married at 19 and the wedding felt like a fairy tale. Of course there is always the day after and the day after that. I remember crying at my sisters wedding who married several years after I did. At first I attributed my tears to the fact that I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. Later I would realized that it was because I felt a profound sense of disappointment from my own experience, that a day that can start out so beautiful can go oh so wrong. Her fairy tale lasted much longer than mine, but the end result was still the same. The Prince eventually turned into a frog.
I digress. Back to the issue of death and dying. I have come to realize that the grieving process is a very selfish process. Instead of our viewing death as a natural progression of living those of us left view it as abandonment. We think mostly of ourselves. Our unfinished business with the person or our guilt that we didn't do more or that we didn't say all we wanted to say. Well thankfully, I have a very different idea. I try each day to show those who I profess to love, love in action. Now of course none of us can love the way folk think we should love. We can only love within our capacity. Some of us have a capacity so wide and consuming that it can literally suffocate the receiver. Others of us are so emotionally detached from our authentic feelings that it's almost impossible to love another person because we don't love ourselves. Of course there is another kind of person, who is so self-absorbed that it is difficult for the person to see beyond their own self interest and needs. All of us possess the potential to be any of these types. It's finding the balance that allows us to love healthy and be fully present for the object of our love without being over baring.
When I leave this earthly plane it is my desire that I sleep away quietly without fanfare and hopefully limited or no pain. I don't want a funeral or that those left behind to feel sorry for me and more important to feel sorry for themselves. I hope they will know that I lived a full life with plenty of laughter and joy. That I always saw the glass as half full no matter how difficult things got. That they will know that even as I breathe my last breath I visualized a world of laughter, dancing and love.
And so it is.
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